


Forgetting what I never knew

by Mhalachai



Series: Rosemary, for Remembrance [2]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: F/M, Genderbending, M/M, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-14
Updated: 2009-10-14
Packaged: 2020-06-27 15:05:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19793389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mhalachai/pseuds/Mhalachai
Summary: Things go back to normal, at least that's what Rodney thinks. Joan's all distant when he tries to talk to her, and he gets it after the first few times, she was just having a nervous breakdown. Some people punch walls, Joan apparently has sex with Rodney.  Great. Fine. No one needs to draw him a picture of how this goes.





	Forgetting what I never knew

**Author's Note:**

> if you haven't read the first part in this series, the tl;dr is that John is sometimes Joan, and Rodney is the only one who notices that anything's changed. But it might make more sense if you read the first installment.

* * *

It starts like this.

(No, really, that's a lie, because this never had a _start_ , Rodney never knows what to see as the beginning of anything except his own ideas, and she's not _his_ at all.)

The prologue is that they all nearly died again. The beginning is when Joan Sheppard suddenly appears in Rodney's quarters and shoves her tongue down his throat.

(There's more to it than that, questions on his part and some silent soulful staring on her side, but things don't really get moving in a way Rodney can process until the tongue thing.)

And then it's _also_ her hands on his belt and her somehow being naked from the waist up, and Rodney's a genius and no one needs to draw him a map to connect these dots.

* * *

Things go back to normal, at least that's what Rodney thinks. Joan's all distant when he tries to talk to her, and he gets it after the first few times, she was just having a nervous breakdown. Some people punch walls, Joan apparently has sex with Rodney. 

Great. Fine. No one needs to draw him a picture of how this goes.

(And if Teyla tries to ask Rodney _what's wrong_ , he's always been great at confusing the issue until she goes away).

* * *

The middle of the story begins about three months after That Night, when Major Dillon's team gets itself captured and Major Lorne's rescue team gets caught as well and the first Rodney knows of it all is when he wanders into the Gaterooom to see Sheppard and Ronon ready to go through the Stargate with a cadre of Marines.

Rodney hops in with his usual efficiency, going to the Control Room to make sure no one messes anything up. Woolsey watches the assembling rescue mission and if Rodney takes a few seconds to look at Joan, it's just a thing he does these days.

She's pale like always these days, dark circles under her eyes and her face drawn even though she's been putting on weight around the middle (which Rodney isn't suicidal enough to mention to her, even though she'd been eating more than Ronon for the last month). 

She also looks extraordinarily pissed off, like she always does when Marines get captured, so Rodney goes back to work.

With a final shout Joan orders the Gate open and everyone tromps through. Rodney wonders if they left any weapons in the armory at all.

He stays to monitor things just in case they need him (which they usually do) so he's got a front-row seat when Jennifer Keller storms into the room and marches right up to Woolsey. "Where's Colonel Sheppard?" Keller demands.

"Colonel Sheppard is leading the rescue mission," Woolsey says, not looking at Keller. 

Rodney waits for Woolsey to ask Jennifer why she's so annoyed, but he doesn't and Keller doesn't say anything, just twists her hands and waits. 

At this point, Rodney's just a little confused.

Three hours later, the Gate opens and the Marines march back through, assisting Lorne's limping team and carrying Dillon's unconscious men. The Marines are spotted with blood and gore, and it takes Rodney a moment to spot Joan in the fray.

She's leaning on Ronon, blood coating her arm under a dirty bandage. She's paler than before, nearly grey, but she's somehow still on her feet, even if Ronon's practically carrying her.

Rodney grips the edge of the balcony, not knowing how he got there but it doesn't matter because something is _very wrong_ with Joan, something he hasn't been seeing and it's worse than usual when she's hurt, because Ronon never looks this worried about anything.

Keller darts around the Gateroom floor, triaging everyone with brutal efficiency. As soon as the unconscious Marines are on stretchers, she plants herself in front of Sheppard and does all that doctor stuff like looking at her eyes and ears and then, for some reason, puts a hand on Joan's stomach.

Rodney's too far away to hear what Jennifer asks, but Joan shakes her head and pushes Ronon away, moving under her own power in the direction of the infirmary without protest. Rodney doesn't understand, because Joan never goes to the infirmary unless she's unconscious or tied down.

He nearly jumps out of his skin when Woolsey puts his hand on Rodney's arm. "Why don't you go with them?" the man suggests, but the worry in Rodney's head uncoils and grows and he _can't deal with it._

"I need to... there's readings that need analysis," Rodney says, then goes to suit action to word and tries to put Joan out of his head.

She'll be fine. She's always fine. Even when she's John, he's always fine too.

A few hours later, Ronon appears out of nowhere and punches Rodney hard in the kidneys. 

"Ow! What?"

"Go see Sheppard," Ronon orders.

"What? Why? Did something happen? Why didn't you call me?"

Ronon just glares until Rodney grabs his computer and walks at a fast clip down the stairs. He's not running. He's moving expediently. There's a difference.

If something had happened to Joan, Keller would have called him.

He finds Joan sitting cross-legged in bed in the infirmary, wearing white pajamas to match the white bandages over her arms. Her color is better, but she still has that defensive expression on her face.

It's all he can do to not turn around and walk out when she looks up at him. "Uh," he says. 

She blinks at him, then pushes her food tray in his direction. "Want some jello?"

Now Rodney really is worried. Sheppard never lets others have her jello, no matter how hurt she is. "You okay?"

She glances around the infirmary. They have a fair bit of privacy, which is odd when Rodney thinks about it. "What do you think?" Joan mutters, picking at the blanket over her legs. 

Rodney should be offended, but all he feels is worry. Joan never hunches in on herself like this, almost... defeated? "No one died, did they?" he asks, because what else could be dragging her down like this?

Joan smoothes the blanket over her knee, then finally looks up. There's a _sadness_ in her eyes that Rodney does not, cannot, understand. "Everyone's back fine."

When nothing else is forthcoming, Rodney sits on the bed beside her. "What happened?"

Joan's hands still. She tries to say something, but no sound comes out of her mouth. She takes a deep breath and tries again. "I'm, um... I'm pregnant."

Rodney blinks. And blinks.

But now Joan's staring at him, waiting for him to... what? 

"Are you sure?" he asks, because really, what else should he say?

"Yes."

"But... when?"

"Three months."

That would put it... He blinks hard to keep his head from exploding, which is probably the next step. "Who?"

He deserves the punch, he knows as soon as the words leave his mouth. Luckily, she's injured and was aiming for his shoulder. 

"Oh."

"And they say you're a genius," Sheppard mutters. She uncrosses her legs under the blanket and tries to push Rodney off the bed with her feet. "Go away."

"How long have you known?" Rodney demands as his feet hit the floor. "What are you going to do about it?"

He's still not parsing the situation, he knows that, and possibly calling the zygote or embryo or whatever it is, an _it_ , isn't his best idea, but he's not really working off logic at this point. 

Joan stares at Rodney like he's holding a knife at Torren's throat or something. "Why are you talking about this like it matters?" she demands, and Rodney's not sure if he's ever seen her so vulnerable. 

But that's all secondary, because Joan is _pregnant with Rodney's child_ and of course it matters!

"Think about it, McKay," Joan says, lowering her voice until Rodney can barely hear her. "I've been _me_ for five months. It never lasts longer than six months." She stopped, breathing hard. "Then I'll be John again and this," she gestures at her stomach, "will never have happened. Game over."

"But..." Rodney tries to think around this. "You don't know it'll happen like that."

"It always does," she says, her green eyes steady. He can't reason, can't _think_. "It's not going to be different this time."

_Always_. Rodney wonders how large her sample size is, and then realizes that _always_ means this has happened to her before, she's been pregnant before, then she swapped back to being John Sheppard who could not possibly be pregnant. 

He feels distinctly ill, and he's not the one with a human embryo gestating inside his gut. 

"So there's no point in getting too attached to the idea," Joan says, balling her hands up in the blanket on her lap. "Go away."

But Rodney stays where he is, uncertain and hurting and really, really confused. "Would you want it anyway?"

She jerks her head up to look at him. " _What_?"

"If it could be different, would you want it?" He makes a vague hand gesture in the general area of her stomach. 

The pain that crosses her expression is all the answer Rodney needs, then she's curling in on herself and Keller's by Rodney's side, suggesting he _leave now_ and shoving him towards the door.

Joan wants the baby, and she knows she can't keep it, and now Rodney knows these things too.

* * *

The next day, Rodney overhears Keller and Woolsey talking, and Woolsey's saying things about reassigning Joan to Earth and Keller's not helping any. Sheppard's still in the infirmary and Rodney can't think of a single thing to do until he's in his lab, late at night, and the shadows start moving around him again just like last time.

Maybe he's crazy. Maybe he's _insane_ but all he can think about is that Joan went on a rescue mission that nearly killed her because she knows she's going to lose the baby. His baby. Their baby.

So he takes a deep breath. "What the hell is the matter with you?" he demands of the air. "You can't ruin her life like this!" 

The darkness remains unimpressed.

"Yes, you can ruin her life," Rodney amends, anger growing. "And if you _choose_ to ruin her life, that's your damn choice! You can't go around playing God!"

Although, part of Rodney's mind points out that yes, that's exactly what can happen.

"It's not fair!" Rodney shouts. It's not _fair_ that Rodney gets the hint of something _this big_ dangled in front of him, only to have it destroyed by a crazy manipulative Ancient. "She's done everything she can and you can't take this away from her!"

He picks up a nearby computer and hurls it at the wall, watching it bounce and crash to the floor. 

Then the lights go on, and Radek Zelenka is standing in the door, staring at Rodney. "What is it?" Radek demands, pushing his glasses up his nose.

Rodney's legs fold under him, depositing him in a chair. He watches Zelenka retrieve the computer and dust it off. "Sheppard's pregnant," Rodney blurts out. Part of him is gratified at Zelenka's startled expression.

Zelenka places the computer on the desk. "It is yours?" he asks.

"Yeah," Rodney mumbles, too tired to argue at the disbelief in Zelenka's voice. "For all the good it'll do."

Then he puts his head in his hands and wonders what a baby from him and Joan Sheppard might be like.

Probably brilliant and beautiful and completely fearless, and Rodney can't breathe about the pain of knowing it will never happen.

* * *

The next day, the Gate connects with Earth for only a second, then goes dead.

They can't dial a second time.

No one knows why.

* * *

Sheppard starts wearing larger shirts and eating strange food. She looks exhausted, but does all her work anyway and when Woolsey helpfully suggests that she _take it easy_ , she glares at him and says that she's still the goddamn CO and if he has a problem with that, he can replace her with Lorne.

No one's stupid enough to say anything to her after that.

* * *

She shows up at his quarters one night and bullies her way in (which is how this whole thing started in the first place), sitting beside him on the bed and pulling at his arm until his hand is resting on her stomach. "What?" Rodney asks groggily. It's early o'clock and he's _tired_. 

"Wait for it," she orders. Then something _twitches_ under his palm and he's suddenly wide awake. "Did you feel that?" Joan asks, smiling the first smile he's seen on her since this mess started. 

"Is it moving?" Rodney asks, his voice an octave higher than usual. "Oh my god!"

"Nope, just me," Joan replies. She shoves at him until he moves over so she can lie down next to him. "Isn't this cool?"

"It's terrifying," Rodney replies, but in truth it's pretty awesome. 

Joan curls up beside Rodney, resting her head on his shoulder. She's quiet for a long time, as Rodney's hand rests on her slightly swollen belly. "It's been seven months since I was John," she whispers. "If, um..." 

She shifts higher, pressing her face against his neck and his arms go around her back like this is how they're supposed to be. 

"When this all switches over to... When I'm John again, I want you to know that I'm glad this happened."

She lifts her head and kisses him. He kisses her back, his hand tracing patterns on her back under her shirt until she settles against him, warm and soft and more alive than anyone Rodney's ever known.

He's glad that she has this, and at the same time epically furious that someone's messing with her life like this.

And yet. They should be able to dial Earth, it's just not working.

Rodney buries his face in Joan's hair and breathes against her and _hopes_.

* * *

The Daedalus arrives after months and to say Caldwell is surprised to beam down to a greeting party of Woolsey and a six-months-pregnant Sheppard would be an understatement of galactic propositions. Rodney's called away before the shouting can start, but Lorne apparently recorded the entire argument for posterity. He replays it in the mess hall later that night, letting everyone know that in spite of Caldwell's best efforts, Sheppard will remain in charge of the military contingent in Atlantis for the time being, with Woolsey's support, thank you kindly.

It's not like going back to Earth on the Daedalus would be any safer than staying on Atlantis, with their luck.

That night, the baby kicks so hard they can see it through Sheppard's shirt, and Rodney starts thinking of baby names, because he's just that kind of hopeful idiot.

* * *

Joan goes into labour a month and a half early.

Teyla holds Joan's hand while Rodney panics, reminding everyone of the statistics of premature birth until Joan throws sharp things at his head, then she's screaming and there's blood and pushing and a tiny baby appears in the world. 

It's a girl, and she's healthy and breathing and alive.

After she gets cleaned up, Joan holds the baby as if disbelieving that this is real, that the baby is actually alive, until Rodney breaks the stillness by reaching out a finger to touch the baby's soft cheek. 

Joan looks up, tears in her eyes, and smiles at Rodney like he's given her the world. "Come here and hold her," she says. 

He tries to back away, but Teyla strong-arms him to the chair beside the bed, helping Joan to hand Rodney the baby. His baby. His daughter. Their daughter.

She's _so small_ , smaller than Torren when he was born, with big eyes and a faint dusting of dark hair on her head, and she's staring up at Rodney like she knows him. 

"Hello," he says, wondering if there's some script for new fathers when introducing themselves to their daughters. "How are you?"

She stares at him, blinking occasionally. She's so light in his arms, Rodney can barely stand to breathe in case she disappears. 

"I'm very glad to meet you," he whispers, then Joan touches his arm and he gives her the baby, a baby she hadn't thought she could keep. 

Their baby.

* * *

At some point in the night, Rodney falls asleep in the chair. He dreams of Jeannie when she was a baby, all tiny and wrinkled and helpless. He wakes with butterflies in his stomach, already reaching for Joan's arm so he can make sure the baby's all right. 

Joan's not there.

It's _John_ Sheppard lying in that hospital bed, unconscious and pale and out of nowhere, soul-crushing panic crashes over Rodney.

He can't see the baby.

He's on his feet in an instant, bumping against the bed and John wakes a moment later, hands reaching for someone who isn't there.

John freezes, eyes going to Rodney. There's nothing Rodney can say, because yesterday John was Joan and she had a baby, and now she's John again and men like John can't have babies, not like that.

It takes John a moment to realize what's going on, but then slowly, the light fades in his eyes as he lowers his empty hands to the blankets. 

"Hey, you're awake." 

It's Keller's voice, and she sounds so fucking _happy_ that Rodney whirls on her, mouth already open to yell at her to _go away there's no happy in this_ , but he almost falls over when he sees what she's carrying.

A baby.

A tiny little _baby_ wrapped in pink blankets, and John's already pushing Rodney out of the way, reaching for the baby. Keller puts the newborn in his arms, careful to not jostle the tiny head. 

"I didn't mean to startle you," Keller's saying somewhere in the distance, while all Rodney can think about is not passing out. "I just wanted to give her another scan while you were sleeping, to make sure her lungs were working properly."

As if in agreement, the baby opened her mouth and let out a small mewing sound. 

"And?" John asks, his voice rough. He rocks the baby carefully until she settles in his arms, content and safe. 

"And she's perfectly healthy," Keller says. "Congratulations again, Colonel." She turns and smiles at Rodney. "You too, Rodney."

Keller's barely out of earshot when John starts making urgent motions at the foot of the bed. "What the hell is going on?" he hisses at Rodney. 

"How the hell should I know?" Rodney shoots back, grabbing the medical chart from the hook and paging through it. "Don't drop her!"

John scowls, but Rodney's too busy reading to care. 

"Well?" John demands after a minute.

Rodney sits down hard on the edge of the bed. "There was an Ancient machine," he says faintly. "Down in one of the labs. You and I apparently touched it and it combined our DNA to make..." He points at the baby. "When you touched the machine again yesterday, it zapped you when it was letting her out."

John stares at Rodney, then down at the baby. "An Ancient baby-making _machine_?" 

"Looks like," Rodney breathes. This emotional rollercoaster is making him sick.

John smiles, then grins, as he lifts his daughter (their daughter) up into the air. "Hey," he says to the baby (his baby) (their baby). "Looks like you're stuck with us."

She just looks at him, which makes John laugh in delight. 

"She needs a name," Rodney says when it occurs to him.

"She has a name."

"What?" Rodney sputters. "You can't go unilaterally naming our baby!"

"Why not?" John asks with an innocent expression. He cradles the baby against the side of his neck like he's done this before, with Torren and his sister's kids, and Rodney's suddenly jealous that John knows what to do. 

"Because it's not fair," Rodney tells him, as Teyla and Ronon enter the room. "Tell him that he can't name the baby!"

"What will you call her?" Teyla asks, ignoring Rodney.

John winks at him. "I was thinking Mary."

Rodney can't help but like it, until he realizes what John's doing. "You can't name her after me!" 

"It's not like I'm trying to call her Rodina," John says, rolling his eyes. "Mary Sheppard. It's a good name."

"Why does she get your last name?"

"Because she gets your first name!" John lets Teyla hold the baby, never taking his eyes off the little face. "Come on, you like it. Admit it."

Rodney's feelings on the matter would forever be a mystery, because at that moment, Major Lorne bursts into the room to tell them that the Gate could suddenly dial Earth again, just like that, isn't that neat?

Rodney's head hurts and he has to sit down, but it's okay because Teyla puts the baby in his arms and he gets to hold her, and she doesn't cry or anything. 

"Do you think Mary's a good name?" he asks. Unsurprisingly, the baby makes no response to that. In fact, she's a lot like Jeannie, with the quiet staring and the baby hands and-- "Oh, crap."

"What?" John asks instantly, interrupting Lorne. "Is she okay?"

"She's fine. But Jeannie's going to kill me for this."

Somehow, looking down at his (John's) (their) baby, Rodney can't bring himself to mind much, because Mary grabs his finger and doesn't let go.

He never wants her to let go.

**Author's Note:**

> Big props to [A Beautiful Lifetime Event](http://www.intimations.org/fanfic/stargate/lifetime_event.html) for really rolling with the Ancient baby-making machine plot device.


End file.
